Merry Christmas
by Sai Hikawa
Summary: Naruto had always wanted only one thing for Christmas, and after so many Christmas, he decides it's high time for action. Ultra humor.
1. Chapter 1

**Merry Christmas**

**By Sai Hikawa**

Disclaimer: I don't own the anime "Naruto". If I did, then it would be a rated M uncensored yaoi anime.

Summary: Naruto wants only one thing for Christmas, but after so many Christmas he's left without the one thing he wants most. Now he decides to do it his way.

Warning: strong language, really obvious perversion.

I've always wanted to do a Naruto fic… but I can't seem to create a good plot. Before vacation, my friend and I wanted to go home early for Christmas. Then I got the idea of creating a Christmas fic.

Chapter has been edited due to a request. :D

†**-o0o-†**

Ahh, Christmas.

It is the time where you receive gifts from your relatives or people who tend to remember and bother to give you a gift. It is also the time when snow comes down to freeze hell over earth. It's also the season where your relatives tend to hide in fear of you popping out all of a sudden to ask money from them.

Fortunately, I have no relatives. Meaning, I would be hiding from no one.

Unfortunately, I'm all alone. I'm spending every Christmas alone...

...but not anymore!

Since Rookie Nine was formed I spent nearly every Christmas with them. I think it was for almost 8 years. We were formed when I was ten, so... I'm eighteen now... so that makes it eight years, right? Well, whatever. The point is that at least I'm not spending Christmas alone unlike the first ten years of my life.

Story of my life. Tough life.

Well, there's nothing much to say about my past, well, since I basically have no past. It's not like I was born a ten-year old. I just don't want to deal with it. Judging from you, I bet you already know it. Damn Internet.

Where was I? Oh yeah. The joy of Christmas.

Why are we celebrating Christmas again? Well, it's because the girls insists. They insist (read: threatens) us that we should spend Christmas together. Pfff. If I know, they only want to spend their Christmas with Sasuke-teme. Sheesh.

Speaking of Sasuke-teme, where is he?

Oh yeah, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Uzumaki Naruto. You probably know me already from the Internet, or have been watching my show. Well, good. I don't have to describe my obviously attractive physical attribute. Although you could see me there as a loud-mouthed idiot, I am not. I kid you not – I'm bright too. Hell, if my mental ramblings didn't help, then I don't deserve to have my own show! I'm not on TV for that long for nothing, you know!

I'm depressed. Scratch that. I'm beyond depressed. Either Santa's put me on the naughty list of he's becoming a bit too fat for this job. Why am I so cranky? It's because I'm left without what I've always wanted for Christmas. Actually, it's a 'who'. This 'who' is actually my walking wet dream. I know he wouldn't like this endearing nickname for him, but I can't help it! I try my best not to... err... you know whenever he's near. Oh, imagine the humility of wetting yourself in front of your Sex God? Not only that, I would risk having him ignore me for the rest of my life, then spending every Christmas cold and alone (though I could make a bunshin and have it do a henge of Sasuke... but that means I'm very desperate, which I'm not)!

Forgive me again for my rambling there. Hanging out with Lee too often tends to make you overdramatic.

Anyway, I call him 'teme' (and trust me, it's very hard for me to say it. Imagine me crying and praying to Buddha that he is not a bastard. Fortunately, I balance this by processing this thought as 'seme', not 'teme'). Didn't get it? Alright. It's between us, okay? His name is Uchiha Sasuke.

What, you don't know? Come on. I wouldn't risk my life trying to kill Haku because I though he killed Sasuke (and that was out of grief and desperation. I do not want to die a virgin. I don't want HIM to die a virgin... though is he still a virgin? I must be his first!), or train myself to bring him back from Orochimaru (with the idea that that Snake-bastard might be doing something perverted to my seme. The thought makes my blood boil with anger! I own Sasuke!).

Well, anyway I'm rambling all about me, Sasuke, and all my friends here... and I haven't even started explaining the whole damn thing anyway, so here's the deal.

It's Christmas here, you know, all the snow and stuff like that. We're now here at Konoha's grand department store... well, actually at the parking lot of the said store since we are selecting a Christmas tree for our party in some days later. The reason we're buying now is because Shikamaru said that it would be troublesome to do it later (and I agree to that opinion). Anyway, the girls are looking at the gigantic specimens of fir trees, Sakura-chan and Ino-chan demanding (that's saying a lot) the guy to lower the price, while some of the boys are looking around since they don't want to be near the girls, mainly Sakura-chan and Ino-chan, at the moment. Sasuke is behind me, looking all uninterested. Can't blame him, though.

But, the sad part is, he knows what Christmas feels like more than I do. Yet, I am determined to finally have what I've always wanted this Christmas. I'm more than willing to do anything to get him for Christmas.

Speaking of the devil, here he is now, walking to me...

Just a little closer…

... and passing through. Sigh. Can't I get the least of your attention here? I mean, come on! I rescued you from the ultra-perverted snake bastard who is always trying to harass you (which gave me endless nightmares and what pushes me further to get your beautiful ass back), and paying close attention to you and you alone! I've made my life a mission to get your attention... couldn't you take a hint? Sadly, he doesn't.

I'm sad. Scratch that, I'm more than depressed. Not only did he actually pass by me at this moment, but on a higher level of thinking. Being in love with Sasuke is like having a romance with a dull, rusty knife – It hurts bad and leaves a killer tetanus virus as an aftertaste. On that though, when did a rusty thing be sharp? Isn't it always dull? Never mind now, here he turns to me!

"Dobe, they're going." He says. "Huh?" I reply. He doesn't reply and turns to walk away from me, so I'm guessing that's the end of today's conversation. How sad. There goes the most memorable one minute of my life today. I actually feel depressed. Anyway, I follow him, while silently glancing around his butt. The only thing I regret is that he turns around occasionally whenever he feels like it. I'm guessing it's because he doesn't want me to get lost (which gives me more reason to adore him) or he feels like someone's watching him (like me). Too bad he doesn't know.

We have reached the group. Turns out they have found a tree. Thanks to Sakura-chan and Ino-chan's... communication (threatening) skills, we got the biggest tree for the cheapest price. I'm guessing it's that goliath of all trees evil and scary that's next to Kiba and Akamaru. Yeah, pretty scary. I know I do not share this thought alone since Hinata is also backing away from the said tree. Not only does it literally stand out above the rest, it is also looking very sharp, literally. This tree must be possessed by a truly evil spirit… Orochimaru, perhaps? Nah. I could tell that that tree's possessed by the eerie feeling I got when I stared at it for ten seconds. That, or the fact that Akamaru was barking at it for five minutes flat, whimpers away, then runs behind Kiba like a crying princess.

I'm actually frightened. If that thing's going to stab me this Christmas season, I'll personally ask Sasuke to burn it down (if ever he'd agree to my selfish request, and assuming that everyone else wouldn't mind) while I reserve my insane cackle privately, or keep my distance. Both seems pretty impossible to do, since eventually I would have to get close to the said tree when gift exchange comes up. Which reminds me, I haven't bought anything!

"Naruto-kun, we're going." Hinata said, pulling me out of my inner rambling. Come to think of it, I've been rambling ever since I got here. Isn't life great?

After the department store the girls made sure that the tree would be delivered by tomorrow morning, meaning I have until tomorrow to celebrate my safety. Too bad I don't know any wood ninjutsu, I could've dismembered the tree or make it less fatal. Life sucks.

I just realized 'wood' is a good thing, especially in the morning. The only exception to the rule is that colossus of a tree, which is bad 24/7.

We're now walking home. Guess what? This is the best time I have for today. You want to know why? Sasuke's beside me. Of course I am a little sad that I'm not walking behind me so I could ogle at his perfectly sexy butt, but the fact that the group is separated between me plus Sasuke and the rest, I have no right to complain. I guess it's pretty much on an elimination basis. Sasuke would never walk with the girls. He hates Neji. Lee's outfit drives him nuts (not only him, but the others as well). He doesn't like to be with Shikamaru and Choji, much less than Kiba and Shino... which leaves me as his walking partner. Yeah, pretty lame, but I ain't complaining!

Poor guys... You don't know how lucky you would've been in my shoes.

We finally reached the Uchiha compound. Everyone's going to stay in for a couple of weeks up until New Year. It took us a whole week of begging before he finally agreed begrudgingly. He made sure we get the "don't you dare touch anything, much less break anything" point of his. Damn, I was going to get some of 'his' stuff... too bad. At any case, I'm not complaining.

Wanna know why? It's because I'm staying with Sasuke in his room.

Yeah, there are so damn many rooms in the compound. But I made Sasuke know that I'm afraid of sleeping alone. He found it out on the most embarrassing day of my life.

It was raining so hard so we got our mission cancelled. It's not like we can't get out of the said rain, but because our client refused to continue the mission because of the storm that almost ripped the village's gates off. I'm currently lying on my bed; comforted by the shelter my humble abode provides me. I was thinking about Sasuke and I, our possible future and such, when suddenly the lights went out (_dun dun dun…_). I screamed. I'm really, really afraid of being alone in the dark, especially under thunderstorms. The only option left is to seek company. Needless to say, I braced myself and ran to Sasuke.

After drenching myself and putting the thunderstorm aside by thinking of Sasuke, I reached the gates of his home. I desperately waited for him to open the door, which he not so long did. He immediately **pulled** me in and **fixed** me a drink **and** a shower, then demanded an explanation why I went through all that trouble to go bother him at this time of the night under this kind of weather. Knowing that he would possible blackmail me with this, I said it truthfully: I'm absolutely terrified of thunderstorms and blackouts. He didn't laugh, maybe because he understood. Hey, it goes without saying that no one did tell me about it, let alone comfort me. I lived alone all my life. Then, without me asking, he made sure I slept on the same room.

Ain't he sweet… Touch him and die.

Back to the present. He solved it by placing me with him. Sadly, not on the same bed. Hell, I'm taking this as slowly as I can (and it also means as slowly as my sanity and libido could hold), so I accepted it anyway. Though he could place me with the others, not that I don't mind (no, I actually **do** mind since I'm already sleeping in Sasuke's room, why stay on others?), but why not? Maybe he knows I wouldn't voluntarily sleep with Kiba since Akamaru would poop or pee at me in my sleep? Maybe he knows I fear that Shino's bugs would feast on me should I sleep with him? Could it be that he actually knows that I couldn't stand the others as much as he can't stand them? Nah, he knows I'm very friendly. Could it be that he actually wants me to stay in this room in my request?

"..."

OMG! I love you so much! I'm going to buy you a very special gift.

It's the first day of Christmas, and everything's working smoothly. I wouldn't want to be in any place than this at the moment.

This Christmas might not be so bad after all.

†**-o0o-†**

So how was it? Was it good? Please tell me reviews :D

Please do tell me what I need to do, so that you'll like it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Merry Christmas**

**By Sai Hikawa**

Disclaimer: See chapter 1

Summary: See chapter 1

Warning: strong language, really obvious perversion.

Oh, I got reviews already? Sweet! I looooove ya.

_grahamsmoon_ – uhh, yeah. I've been using that a lot. Turns out it's more productive than making dialogues.

_makebelievegirl _– thank you very much. Oh, here's an update for yah. I got the idea from a friend of mine. She said that it would seem humorous if Naruto were to know of his show and was actually aware of it. Then I included him knowing about internet, cable, yaoi fanfics, and such. Yeah, that's why it became a little bit AU.

I forgot to mention that Naruto is a little OCC here, and the whole damn thing is a little AU. My mind's a little unstable, so yeah.

It's quite hard to write a chapter, really. So please, do give me ideas through your reviews.

Anyway, here's chapter two.

†**-o0o-†**

Dear lord, I hate mornings.

Their existence means that I must get my ass off the bed and start moving. This also means that I must force myself from the comfort that is the bed just to spend wee hours under the broad daylight. Sadly enough, I'm not much of a morning person, which is like ironic, since I'm basically a walking sunshine (thank you for the reference, my fan girls). They say that I'm basically a hot young man whose hair rival's that of the sun (hence the sunshine thing), and the beautiful sun-kissed skin I possess (sun-kissed? Since I am tan and tan skin means spending wee hours under the hotness of the sun burning your skin to sexy perfection? Nah, it's a natural). I don't care. Well, I do care that I'm sexy and definitely stunning, but I want those comments to leave of one person's mouth, which happens to be still sleeping right beside me. Not actually beside me, but the bed's just across from mine.

...

Sorry, it's just that my mind was currently busy with Sasuke. God, he looks so beautiful sleeping. Then again, Sasuke's beautiful no matter what.

Anyway, here he is, still sleeping. The window's open, so the light is illuminating the bed. Since it's a pretty cold morning, I could still see mist around the room. He is also sleeping soundly, his face calm for once. OH, did I mention that he looks so molest-able right now?

"Dobe, go make breakfast or something... I can hear your stomach growling." He mutters while looking at me half-asleep. I stutter, but only for a while. Hell, he spoke too sudden. I muttered an "okay", and despite my want to stay there and watch him in his molest-able state, I need to feed myself with something. Thinking about Sasuke takes a lot of energy (actually, it takes little energy to relate anything to Sasuke… but I think about Sasuke most of the time, so there).

Contrary to popular belief, Ramen is not my favourite food. Yes, I do eat it most of the time, but it is because I do not have that much of money with me all the time, so I have to avoid spending too much. Since ramen is affordable and not-so bad, I indulge myself in it whenever I'm hungry. But right now, I'm blessed with Sasuke's resources. But, I wouldn't pig out on him, I have some pride and decency (the fact that Sasuke could walk in at any given moment, I wouldn't dream of him seeing me on my not-so greatest moment). So, I settle with some cereals.

"Good morning, Naruto." Neji says, while calmly walking into the kitchen. He then prepares coffee. "Good morning, too." I replied. "Who else is awake?" I asked.

"Lee. He's out jogging... though I think you would've noticed it earlier." Oh right. So that's what woke me up at some ungodly hour. Damn his energy. Damn morning.

"Your cereal's getting soggy." He says. "Oh shit." And I quickly finished my meal.

By the time I was washing the bowl I just used; Sasuke entered the kitchen and made himself coffee, then followed by the others. Soon, they were eating breakfast. I excused myself. "Ne, I'm going outside for a walk." And left.

I really need to think this down. It's just a few days until Christmas comes, and I have no idea what to give Sasuke. Last Christmas I gave him the Wind Demon Shuriken. He was really happy, I mean, judging from the gift he gave me. He gave me a set of clothes, which now constitutes 70 of my wardrobe. Of course, I refused to use those gifts, since, they were costly and precious, but Sasuke insisted that I should wear them once in a while. He even said that he would be insulted if I didn't wear them. Being the totally nice guy and totally lovestruck guy I am, I obeyed his whims... which leads me back to the question a while ago. What to give Sasuke?

You see, Sasuke's a very rich bastard. He can get anything if he wanted to. He always wanted that shuriken I gave him, but since he couldn't buy it (it wasn't sold in Konoha, and he couldn't buy anything when he left Konohagakure), I bought it for him as a Christmas gift. Anyway, the point is that he is a rich bastard that can buy anything he wants.

Maybe when he and I finally get together, we could hook up some ultra private resort and maybe we could spend the entire week practicing Kama Sutra over and over again till kingdom come. Ah, the perks of having insane healing abilities – you can get rid of the pain instantly and be ready for another round... but I can't let kyuubi know I'm going to abuse this ability just for the heck of it, else he'll let me die of ass-ache.

After an hour or two, I went back to the house. There I noticed all of them in a circle. "You're late, you know!" Sakura shouted once she spotted me. "Gomen." I said. "Well, anyway. Since Christmas is just 8 days from now," Wow, I didn't even noticed. Thanks for the update, by the way. "We're going to decorate the entire place."

"Tche, too troublesome." For once, I agree with Shikamaru. This is too troublesome. I mean, I wouldn't go near that goliath of a tree, even if it kills me. Hell, it might even kill me.

A few minutes passed.

Actually, more like two hours. Here we are, at the Uchiha complex. I don't recall ever visiting this place, but this place sure is big. By big, I mean like an auditorium. Of course, nothing much grander than that, but still, so freaking large. Anyway, we've been **forced** to decorating this place right after we were **forced** to clean it, courtesy of the brutal girls and their ungodly strength.

Which gives me a thought. Why didn't they ask Sasuke to help, too? Why isn't he helping? You know, this is hard work, and the least anyone could do to inspire me to work is to give a full view of Sasuke's drool-worthy abs while looking at me **and only** me, or him being shirtless and flexing those tight muscles while working. So, being the idiot that I usually am, I spoke out with confidence, "Where's Sasuke?"

The good thing about being an idiot is that: 1) they are oblivious to what you are really thinking, 2) they do not exactly know the extent of your thinking, since they just assume that point, which basically is wrong, and 3) I can get away with it as an excuse. Hah, you should've seen me when I was at Sasuke's house when he just went out of bath and without clothes (begrudgingly, with a towel wrapped around his waist). The ever-so-lucky, yours truly, was beside his clothes, which he forgot to take with him before entering the bathroom. Being the ever-so-idiotic me, I decided to play. Taking the clothes and holding it tight, I ran for my life to the living room (which is a considerable distance, by the way), only to be chased by a half-naked Uchiha sex-god. If I was paying attention to my perverted mind at that moment (which constitutes around 90 of my thoughts), I would've died of blood loss. I mean, Sasuke, half naked, chasing lil' ol' sexy me. Not to mention he is wet and dripping, and just plain sexy. He **tried** to grab it from me, but I evaded every attempt of his. We chased around the coffee table, until he was tired enough and jumped right across, tackling me down in the process, and getting his towel dragged off by the said coffee table. Well, we all could imagine what could happen. Let's just say that Sasuke vowed always to bring clothes every time he would take a shower.

But back to our lifestyle. Luckily, the company I'm at doesn't notice my complete and undying devotion to the Uchiha. So, the question was innocent enough, I think. But, they didn't reply, so I think I should make it more... realisitic. "Sakura-chan," God I hate that name, "Where's Sasuke-teme? He's not even working his ass off like the rest of us! So unfair!" I should've won the Oscars for my acting.

"Naruto," Sakura replied, "Sasuke won't voluntarily do anything as human as 'having fun'." Having fun? **This** is your idea of having fun? And what do you know about Sasuke? But being the actor that I am, I replied, "Demo, he should work his ass off like the rest of us. After all, it is his place. He needs to be here."

"Whatever." She replied. I jumped and giggled inside, since I now have an excuse to go fetch Sasuke.

Leaving the boring company of my working friends, I excitedly but subtly made my way to find Sasuke. It didn't take long since I know where he is – Uchiha training grounds. I hurriedly jump from one roof to another while busying myself with thoughts of what to do to (or with) Sasuke while the others are gone. The possibilities are endless!

…

Sorry, that was my brain showing how capable it is to process thoughts right now. You need a reason? Damn, Sasuke looks so hot when sweaty. Second, damn, Sasuke looks so downright sexy without his shirt on. Third, those abs are downright perfection and begging me to bow down and worship it. Fourth, … what was I saying?

"What are you doing here, dobe?" Still with the nicknames? Well, two can play that game. "Teme," I faked a scowl. "You should be working your ass off like the rest of us."

"Why should I?" He retorts. He's not that difficult to tame, trust me. Seven years of living with this guy has its benefits.

"Because, in case you're wondering, it's **your** property we are using and if there's anything **you** do not like on **your** property, don't blame us. You weren't there to stop us in the first place." He fidgeted for a second. Heh, he considered the taunt. I continued, "I did suggest leaving the tree outside so that it wouldn't dent the floor, but no… they insisted on putting it inside. I think they might be putting the tree right about now. Those poor floors…" Ha! A reaction.

He sighed. "Fine." Ha, I win! I could just kiss him there for my victory, but that wouldn't be really pleasant. Therefore, I settled for a large grin.

After a long trek while dragging Sasuke's stuck-up (but sexy) ass back to our friends, Sasuke vehemently refused putting the tree inside. Sakura argued that the tree must be inside since the party is inside. Sasuke then replied by threatening to kill them slowly and painfully if they so dared to put even a little scratch on the floor. That made them (since I wouldn't voluntarily go near that tree) work for two hours just to place that damned tree without a scratch.

"Now that the place's decorated, we could go buy our gifts!" **FINALLY!** "We're doing exchange gifts, so everyone should be able to get at least one gift." Sakura presented to us a small bag full of paper strips. "You'll all pick a paper here. A name is written on the paper. That'll be your secret santa." Sounds like a good alibi. I could get Sasuke. :D "We'll be back here after 3 days. That should all give us enough time to buy gifts." Sure, I'll keep note of that. It's just 3 days. In that same length of time I would hope Sasuke would wake up and find ravishing me a healthy and worthy activity.

Just when I was in the middle of me thinking about what Sasuke and I would do inside the bedroom, the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room, and many places unimaginable, the doorbell rang. Sakura jumps in surprise. "Oh, that must be them! I forgot we got company." Who else did you invite, woman? Just as about I could compile a very large imaginative insult back at Sakura, three new people arrived. It's the Sabaku trio! I don't think they are pretty prepared for the snow, judging from their outfits (hello, they live in the middle of a desert, ultra hot every minute of the day?). They moved inside, revealing a few more visitors: Kakashi-sensei, Iruka-sensei, Tsunade-baba, Ero-sennin, and Shizune-san. They all entered and Sakura nudged everyone to return to their places, which was around her.

After a few minutes, she finally spoke, "Alright, now that everybody's here, pick one paper slip inside the hat, then look at the name. Don't reveal it to others, okay?" And so, after everyone else picked their own slips, I got mine. It read, 'Kiba'. Ha, so I got the dog-boy. It's easy enough. A little dog-food and some clothes would do just fine. If I have enough money left, I'd put them on hygiene materials. No, I'm not saying Kiba's stinky, I'm saying Akamaru needs management.

"Now, the rule is that you can't spend more than a hundred ryuu on your presents. That way everyone could get an equal trade." Sakura stated. "Plus, you must have a partner when you're going to shop so that no one would cheat. You can partner up with your secret santa as long as you don't let them know. And no, you can't show to your partner what you bought." Partners... hm... Too bad I can't get Sasuke. If I am to be paired with him, he would have an idea what I would give him.

Everyone else had their partners, which was probably a given if you had paid close attention to the show, or have been reading those stories about us (thanks to the internet). Kiba got Hinata, Neji with Gaara, Temari and Shikamaru, Chouji and Ino, Sakura and Sai, Shino and Kankuro, Lee and Tenten, Tsunade and Jiraiya, Iruka and Kakashi... so that means...

"So, Sasuke and Naruto are the only ones left. You have to be partners now." Bless you, Sakura! But... that tone seems suspicious... could it be that she knows something? Nah.

"Dobe, what time?" If it weren't for Sasuke's husky _and_ sexy voice, I wouldn't be out of that thought. "Hmm... around 9?" Still early for me, but the earlier the better and the longer I could spend time with Sasuke. He nodded and left... left me dreaming of all sorts of fun we could do together tomorrow! Come to think of it... I could treat it as our little date, though I know Sasuke is as romantic as a stone. Nonetheless, I would just have to make it enjoyable. Ahh, the things I do for him.

I hurriedly then went to my apartment, ran straight to the bathroom, took a shower, then lied on the bed. The thoughts of what Sasuke and I would possibly do tomorrow fill my mind.

I am looking forward for tomorrow. I can't even sleep a wink! I'm so damned excited!

†**-o0o-†**

So, how's it? Please tell me on review!


	3. Chapter 3

**Merry Christmas**

**By Sai Hikawa**

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

Summary: see chapter 1

Warning: see chapter 1

_Biss-chan_ – Of course there's more. It's just getting started. :D

_notperfectXbutXhonestXctic_ – uhh... thanks? I'd keep that in mind, though the story is about Naruto's attempt on finally getting what he wants, I'd try to see if Sasuke's point of view would come in handy... though I fancy the idea that it is Naruto who's telling this story. Also, the characters here are 17 or 18. No way I'm making them younger than that, since I think it is best appropriate for them to think of those kinds of thoughts at that age... not that boys have to be at that age to think of those (no offense).

I'm happy that I got more reviews. It was just last night that I uploaded the last chapter then after eating dinner I got 2 new reviews. Sweet! Now I'm happy to give you the third chapter!

Enjoy!

†**-o0o-†**

"Mmm... Harder Sasuke..."

Sasuke then increased his pressure upon me. "How's this?"

"mmm... yes..." I'm beginning to sweat. "You're already sweating. That's good. Just a bit more..." Sasuke replied. With a final thrust, I made a small scream (AN: that made sense?), "Ahh!" Finally, collapsing on... God knows where I may be. "Are we done?" I managed to ask. "Yeah." He replied. Damn that was good.

...

Sorry to all those outsiders, by the way, since, if you haven't noticed, Sasuke and I just did something hot. To an outsider, it would seem like we're having sex or something. As much as I do want to think of it like that, we weren't doing it. He was just giving me a full-body massage. He owes me that much after what he just did. I mean, I was just getting down from the stairs and then he shows up so suddenly that it made me jump and fall down the stairs. No, it wasn't that he appeared all of a sudden that made me fall down the stairs; it was his sexiness that surprised me all in all. To think he couldn't be any sexier than he already is. But you know what, he just proved me wrong. He looks aloof, dangerous and sexy. I do not know how he manages to do that, but I'm giving him thumbs up for managing it. Damn, he even made me lose all brain processes, and that's precisely why I fell down the stairs. That brings us back to where we are now. Sasuke had been massaging me for nearly an hour. I wasn't really complaining, though. His beautiful hands touching almost every part of me (which almost made me pass out due to excitement, but fought back consciousness just to feel and see more). What's better is that he removed said shirt and said pants because it's getting hotter... so basically we were both in boxers during the massage. Which is, as you might've guessed, as good as hell.

That 'final thrust' as I said it was him giving me a final push on the back, since I dislocated my left shoulder. I can imagine the 'wtf?' looks on you guys, seeing that we sounded like we're having red hot monkey sex. I could fill you in on all my wet dreams, but right now is not the moment since I'm still in my boxers and erection in front of your walking wet dream is not good, especially if he's straight.

Life's unfair. Why did I have to fall for Sasuke? It's not that I'm complaining, but it's just that falling in love with a guy like Sasuke sucks. You wanna know why? Saying all so many times, He's as romantic as a stone. That, and the fact that Sasuke is highly doubtful to be gay. Even with the effeminate complexion, flawless body, his actions are downright masculine.

Reason numero uno why Sasuke is highly doubtful to be gay is that he acts masculine. I know when people are acting, hell even I am acting, so it takes one to spot one. But I always see Sasuke acting naturally, and still I haven't doubt his masculinity yet.

Reason number two why Sasuke is highly doubtful to be gay is that he came from the Uchiha clan. You know, the big-ass powerful clan with cursed red eye? As far as I know, their systems are the same as their distant relatives, the Hyuugas. His father must've pounded the Buddha's scrolls deep into his skull. Aside from that, he also needs to reform the Uchiha clan. That means, he needs to get a girl, impregnate her, then after getting the baby, ditching her for me :D. Yeah, the last one was pretty lame, but I could only hope.

Reason number three is that Sasuke is the epitome of a teenage male. Being the epitome, he is the basic model of an attractive, drool-worthy Sex God. Anyone in their right mind would think of Sasuke as 'flawless'. I, for one, would think that Sasuke is basically sex on legs. Also, since he is the epitome of a teenage male, he is the target of fan girls, which you know, sucks big time. But, being the epitome of a teenage male, the guy must've gone through the whole 'hormones' thing. God knows when I went through mine... I'm still stuck in it!

After that hot and sweaty session we had, we put back on our clothes and went to the road. "So where are we going?" I asked.

"The Department Store just downtown." He replied sternly, which depicts the end of our conversation. I decided to play silent for a while, not that it matters anyway. I could always busy myself with thoughts.

For all brainiacs there, we do math. We, supposedly, use 50 of our brain everytime. 99 of that 50 is used to think about Sasuke, which divides into Sasuke clothed (9) and naked (90). The remaining 1 is used for trivial things like breathing and such. Along with that, I spend most of my time thinking of ways to get Sasuke, hence why I usually become the idiot most of the time. Can't help it, though – it's the way of life.

Between you and me, I hide a vast collection of anything Sasuke-related on my secret hiding place. Hell, it's even vaster than that of his fan clubs'. I have Sasuke's baby picture (which gave me vast amounts of laughter), Sasuke's old clothes (which I think he didn't even thought was missing), Sasuke's old notebook (the one he lent me when we were still in the academy, and I 'forgot' to return), Sasuke's chuunin clothes (which I kept after he left for the snake bastard), and many, many more. My most priced possession is the picture of Sasuke in butt-naked. I had a hard time getting one decent picture, and finally had paid off when Sasuke oh so graciously invited me to go shower. Being the sneaky no. 1 most unpredictable ninja, I immediately grabbed a picture. He then threatened me to tell me where the camera is, and I replied that I can't be holding the camera since I am naked and currently taking a shower with him. Oh, little does he know that I have placed the camera **on** the shower, so whatever he does, I can see. And you know what I realized then? Sasuke **definitely** has a very alluring ass.

Note to self: Do not think of naughty thoughts when object of those thoughts is nearby.

Second note to self: Start wearing baggier pants.

Final note to self: Get Sasuke before doing something very desperate in public.

Thinking about Sasuke that kind of way sends immense amount of sensation throughout my body, and that sensation is getting south... so I better stop thinking about it.

We finally reached our destination – downtown. I noticed something very odd about this place... Oh yeah, I've never been here before. I've been living in this village for all my life and I've never even been here? God, that's shameful. Thankfully, I'm not in the mood to get depressed since I have Sasuke with me.

"Ow!"

"Sorry dear." Some woman walked in front of us and accidentally walked on my foot. She's wearing heels, so it leaves a big red mark on my poor toes. I hiss in pain, but very silently so that the lady wouldn't hear it. We resumed walking around the premises. Sasuke then turned and offered, "Want to take a seat first? We could always resume later." I then decided it's time for me to think.

If I am to sit down with Sasuke, it would leave me fixing my dilapidated foot (courtesy of ugly lady) and possible Sasuke caring about me. Else, we could resume shopping on a semi-broken foot. Both options have Sasuke accompanying me, so it's not added to the computation. The former would give my pride a little dirt, while the latter would probably make Sasuke help me by holding me. So, the latter it is then.

"Nah, it's ok. Come on, let's go." And we resumed our walking.

At one point in our trip, I noticed Sasuke enter some cosmetic shop. Wonder who it is for. Maybe Sakura or Ino. But I know he despises them with passion, so that removes the former two. Lee, perhaps? Those eyebrows need some serious grooming, or shaving. I would imagine Neji, but the two aren't that close. So, who else?

...

That better not be mine, Sasuke, or I'll shave your duck-butt hair.

Before he returns, I go get the things I need to buy. I went to the perfume shop to buy something for Sakura. Being the pink girl that she is, I went to this obnoxiously pink store named "Pink Paradise". Obviously, everything here is pink, and now it's hurting my eyes. Even the saleslady wears a pink uniform.

She greets me with her ultra-colorful face that rivals that of a clown, then winks at me with her long **pink** eyelashes. "Something for your girlfriend, young man?"

I shook my head, "Nah, just for a friend. I plan to buy her a perfume, and she likes pink." Yeah, she's the embodiment of pink. This saleslady here is Yomotsu-Shikome on pink.

"This is our best-seller. Phantasia." She hands me a small pink glass bottle. From the looks of it, it's expensive, not that I can't afford it. "Here, you can try this on." Now, this is getting frustrating.

"No."

"Please?" Puppy dog eyes. I'm immune to that already, old lady.

"No." I replied sternly. But, she sprayed on me anyway.

...

"What happened to you?" Sasuke's looking at me with weird eyes. He attempts on hiding his smirk by raising an eyebrow. I, unfortunately, noticed the effort. "Don't you dare say a word."

Due to the previous encounter with Big Pink Cow (the saleslady who sold me this pink perfume), I smelled like cotton candy sprinkled with over-fragrant flowers. Of course, this sent my nose into a state of oblivion, so I bought some **manly** cologne (Sasuke argues that it is not cologne, it's some kind of trash) and sprayed it all over myself. Now, I smell, as Sasuke puts it, like brewery. What would you choose, brewery or some insane pink fragrance? "Shut up."

"I'm not talking." Sasuke replies monotonously. To make me feel better, he decides to drag me to a local cafe. This is going to be the first time I'm going to drink anything that is caffeinated since I could swear everything on the menu is caffeinated. Sasuke seems to see my dilemma, so he orders me some chocolate swirl. And look how cute it is – it has sprinkles on the white cream on top of the drink, plus it comes with a complimentary cookie! Sasuke, being the mature Sex God that he is, orders a sticky bun and something I can't pronounce, but sure as hell caffeinated.

I drank a little of the drink, and oh god it was good. I've never had anything this sweet before! Wonder what the cookie tastes like... mmmm! So sweet! I'm so going to force Sasuke to bring me some of this next time. Speaking of Sasuke...

...

Sorry, that was me zoning out as my brain had a total melt down. I neglect my cup of chocolate as I watch the terribly erotic act that is Sasuke eating the sticky bun, unaware of my staring and drooling because he's lost in thoughts as he watches the people walk around, giving me a generous view of his face and his lips as he licks off the sticky icing. People eating aren't normally a good view, but Sasuke manages to make it change from innocent to down right pornographic. Right now I'm expecting the ANBU to tackle Sasuke to the floor at any given moment and arrest him for having sex with an inanimate object in public.

"You still hungry?" he asks me, as he finishes his sticky bun and licking the remaining icings on his fingers. If I say yes, would you eat with me? Please say yes.

"Naruto-san, Sasuke-san!" For once, I'm actually glad to hear the annoying voice of Lee. I don't know what to reply to Sasuke if he didn't show up. Standing up and looking for where the voice came from, I managed to see a mass of black hair shaped link a bowl. Now he's coming towards us with Tenten. I could also see Lee's hands full, as he carries their shopping bags. Why couldn't they just make a bunshin or something and then send it home, like what I did? Simpletons.

"How's the shopping going, my youthful friends? Have you further developed your beautiful relationship?" What relationship? We're just friends, yet. "My youthful companions, mind if I have that?" Lee points at the sticky bun that Sasuke later ordered. Making sure that Sasuke wouldn't kill Lee on the spot, he merely grunts and nods, making it a yes. Might as well give it to Lee. I swear I wouldn't stand another erotic scene from Sasuke in public.

While Lee is happily eating the bun, Tenten moves over to me, then closes her nose. "What's that smell?"

I glare, "It's **manly** cologne." Don't you dare say anything, Sasuke! Don't think you can hide that smirk behind that cup. "I got blasted at some perfume store."

"Poor you." Tenten replies, as she pats me on the back. "We'll see you guys later, ok?" She says after waiting for Lee to finish the sticky bun. "Thanks for the bread, my youthful companions!" He says as he ran off with the bags. Yeah, go away and let me enjoy my alone time with Sasuke.

After eating, we went to a local pet store. I then bought some ninja dog food (these things actually exist?) and some new grooming tools. Then we went to a boutique and bought a new jacket for Kiba. Making sure I bought everything I need, we headed home, Sasuke escorting me before he goes to his home. I said my good byes, and hurriedly ran to my bedroom. This day is officially our first date! :D

God, I'm so happy. It's just a few days before Christmas, and everything's getting better.

†**-o0o-†**

So, how's it? Please don't forget to Review.

**Yomutsu-Shikome -** A demoness from Japanese mythology that lives in Yomi, the Shinto Land of the Dead, famous for being hideously ugly. She was the first pursuer that Izanami released to chase Izanagi at Yomotsu-Hira-saka. You can use the game, Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne for the image reference. If you can't find one, let's just say she's like Sadako.

I'm going to be busy for a little while, so please expect less updating for a while. Enrolment is going on at my school, and I have to fix my schedule (I have 2 weeks to do this, and I can't slack off). Classes would start at June 16, so my life sucks. I apologize in advance.

Here's some gifts from me: (replace with /)

http:img.albumsv679brianrae19Sasunarufamily.jpg

http:img.albumsv679brianrae19Sasukebaby.jpg


	4. Chapter 4

**Merry Christmas**

**By Sai Hikawa**

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

Summary: see chapter 1

Warning: see chapter 1

What? No reviews? I'm quite sad.

I actually barely recall things that happened a while ago, so yeah, now I read it before I write. Also, I noticed that there's been little humor and romance in a while, so while I'm at it, I'm going through it. Can't promise, though. I can only see the things that goes on as soon as I am about to publish it. So yeah, I can be a crammer at times.

I apologize for the loooong update. Been busy at school. I mean, very busy.

Here's chapter 4. Enjoy!

†**-o0o-†**

There are people who spend their entire day lounging around the department store doing window shopping since they obviously have nothing better to do. Then, there are those people who audition for beauty pageants but only end up humiliating themselves in front of everybody. After them are the fan girls who, at every given moment, would spy us since they don't actually have a life. Then, at the very bottom, are those girls who are willing to stoop so low as to leave their used underwear in hopes of gaining attention from the enigmatic Sex God.

And then there's me, lower than the last mentioned on the above paragraph. Why? It is because I spend every minute I can with Sasuke that I sometimes neglect the needs of my body (aka, naps, lunches, rests, etc.). When you are in my situation, you would just know that things aren't really going your way.

Welcome back to my life. Missed me? I miss normality, and sadly, it didn't even grace me with its presence ever since I was born. Anyway, in case you have forgotten, I'm Naruto Uzumaki, Konoha's most unpredictable ninja and (Sasuke's) dobe extraordinaire. I'm currently inside the comfort of my own bedroom, entertaining myself with Sasuke-filled dreams.

I'm quite sad about my life, but I'm actually quite content, if you leave the '_I'm desperate for Sasuke_' part of it. For the past few chapters, I've done nothing but to gawk at the Enigma that is Sasuke. Now, I'm at the comfort of my own home, as aforementioned, of course with the intrusion of a certain Godaime Hokage. Of course, I'm kind enough to elaborate the situation. I am currently sitting on my bed while Tsunade-baa is currently sitting on some chairs in my room. From what they told me, it's just the three of us here. Now, I do not really know why the hell they are here – I was in the middle of a beautiful Sasuke-filled dream when suddenly I find myself being shaken strongly.

"What the fuck?" Is what I could only mutter at the moment. I'm not really a morning person, despite my personality. I tried desperately to sit. Failed. Tried again. Failed again. Final Try. Okay, it's successful. Now, I blink my eyes (what else do you blink?) slowly as I try to decipher what's in front of me. Okay, so I see yellow and green over there. Oh, that blur of green and yellow is coming to me. I could guess what it is, but my brain is still asleep. Only a few more minutes till my brain keeps up.

Ahh, good morning to you to. Say hello to my brain, as it tries desperately to catch its breath.

"Finally awake, gaki?" That yellow and green blur was in fact, Tsunade-baa. I could only nod. "So, spill."

"Spill what?" She's not talking about where I hid her Sake stash, is she? "What happened to your little date with Sasuke?" Ahh, I'm actually glad.

You see, besides me, Tsunade-baa, Ero-sannin, Iruka-sensei and **maybe** Kakashi-sensei (because if I tell him, he wouldn't let me live it down, so I'm assuming he knows even though I haven't told him and isn't really planning to) knows my undying love for Sasuke. I was actually glad that they were supportive of me. Of course, it was fun at first. **'Was' **being the keyword. Tsunade-baa abused her position so that she could get missions for the two of us alone, which gave me a lot of good times (I plan on telling you some of my outings with Sasuke. I'm sure you're **dying** to know), and giving her endless amounts of entertainment (beats me as to how). Ero-sannin uses my undying love for Sasuke as inspiration on a side novel he's making. He says it's going to be the first yaoi version of Icha Icha Paradise. Iruka-sensei offered me advices, which I'm eternally grateful. Kakashi-sensei, though, is another story. He offered me education, which I basically don't really need right now.

"Nothing much happened," except that he showed me a reason to give him sticky buns every time we go to missions alone, "I just got bombed with pink perfume and stepped on. Oh, did I forget to mention that he just introduced me to caffeine." I said blankly. "That is so boring!" Tsunade-baa exclaimed. "You could've pulled him to some alley and have your way with him." I entertain the idea, but you actually forget that I don't want to spend my Christmas with broken bones.

"And he'll have his way with me, only it would not be so pleasurable." I snort. Have you lost your mind, woman? "Any progress?" She smirks. "Nothing much. It's still the same." I said depressingly.

"Don't give up, it's unlike you." I know. "Tell you what; I'll go do something for you." That's too good to be true, "But you owe me a dozen." Sure. I nod. She stands up, brushing some imaginary dust on her knees. "I'm out. Be sure to visit me later, ok?" She walks to the door, and then opens it. "By the way, it's an order." And finally, leaves. I sigh. Loudly. I follow it with a groan.

I need shower.

--

You just know that when someone knocks at your door something is bound to happen. It might be a good thing or a bad thing, depending upon the person knocking. Right now, I'm seriously hoping it would lean over to the former since I'm as sure as hell that I know who is at my doorstep right now. This could only mean one thing: trouble. Of course, no matter where, trouble always seems to find me, or I always seem to find trouble. Either way we're just finding each other. Hope we never end up discovering each other or it'll be total chaos.

Why do I know that the mother of all evil is about to approach? Check this out:

"Naruto? Open the goddamn door! Wake the hell up! It's high noon, dammit!"

Well, if you haven't noticed, it is none other than Sakura, the pink menace. Heeeeeeeeey it has a nice ring to it (kinda like Dennis the menace... but I'm pretty sure that's insulting Dennis).

I'm soooo tempted to shout, "Shut the fuck up you're disturbing the neighbourhood. I don't need you, woman!" but, being the polite and ever so goody-two-shoes me, I say "Wait up!" And hurried to open the '_goddamn_' door. "About time." She greeted me. "Good morning to you, too." I replied, faking humor. I let her in anyway, despite how unimaginably large my hatred is. "So, what're you doing here?"

"Don't you remember? We're all supposed to go meet today." By all she meant everyone. No, not everyone in the show (some are dead, and some are enemies. Be reasonable), but everyone we end up inviting back at Sasuke's house. "Right." Sure I didn't forget. Sasuke's going to be there. That, and I won't be able to decline anyway. It's a good thing I already had a shower, ate breakfast and did morning exercises else I wouldn't be alive in the morning. Trust me when I wake up, I put 'Dawn of the Dead' into shame.

Anyway, the Queen of the **damned** (or the **Damned** Queen, take your pick), Sakura, finally leaves the house. I hurriedly fetched my flamethrower (do not wonder why I have one) and burned the chair she sat on. Just kidding. I fetched the disinfectant, not the flamethrower. It may be not enough, though. How does one make holy water? Just take normal water and boil the hell out of it? It might not be holy, but it can cause a lot of burns... basically the same thing, right?

While I ponder on what to do with the chair, I looked at myself on the mirror. Who's the good looking piece of meat in front of me? Oh, it's just me. But hey, I am a delicious piece of meat. "Good morning, handsome." I say to myself.

"You convince yourself every morning?" A sexy voice came from behind me. I didn't notice, really. "No need to convince what is true." I replied with a grin. Ahh, of course. You're a much better piece of meat best fit for me. I'll grace you with butter, spices, and anything else while I lick you from neck, down to the navel, down to...

Re-note to self: Never think of your Sex-God while he's near.

New note to self: Always make sure you are properly covered while thinking of said Sex-God.

The last one's probably going to be my resolve for a little while. Damn, it's a good thing I'm wearing my pants right now or else I would've been sporting quite a boner in front of Sasuke.

That could be very embarrassing. Either he thinks I'm a complete idiot, or I am lusting at my self. I seriously hope it's the former.

"Hn." He dismisses it like expired milk. Which reminds me, I need to throw out the milk. After a moment of silence, I spoke, "What are you doing here?"

"You're taking damn long to fix yourself up. I decided to fetch you." What am I, an object? Who am I kidding, I am... an object of desire, that is. I'd agree if only you would carry me. Bridal style, preferably. Please?

"..."

Sigh, I could only hope. "Well, I'm already 'fixed up'. I'm just enjoying the silence while it still lasts."

"...good point." I hear him mutter. See? Even he agrees that the company of our friends is 'troublesome', but even more troublesome when they are drunk. "Let's go." I said after fixing my hair.

--

You guys have no idea how lucky I am right now. Of coursed, you wouldn't know. But hey, I'm quite content right now. Although I couldn't normally drool in public, I could always wrap up an excuse, though my pride doesn't permit it.

Anyway, here am I, right behind Sasuke. We're currently walking to the restaurant that was booked just yesterday. I don't really know how the managed to get it so fast, but I don't really care. What matters is right now. Emphasis on 'right now', and I don't mean the point of the day, but one simple, but important, event...

...I am watching Sasuke walking from behind.

Most of the time I don't actually give a damn about people walking, but since it's Sasuke we're talking about I give 100 percent damn about it. Remember when I said I don't usually walk behind Sasuke that's why I couldn't ogle at his ass? Well, this is one of those very rare moments. Lucky me, since the restaurant is around 15 minutes of walk, so I have 15 full minutes to stare at the drool-worthy wonder that is Sasuke's sexy butt.

I can't help but wonder how would it look like if it's bare? Of course I've seen it bare but only for a few seconds (those trips on hot springs really pays off) before I totally blacked out. By black out I mean my sanity wasn't enough to contain the erotic-ness that was in front of me. The best part was, at one time when I totally blacked out seeing Sasuke at shower on some hot springs outside Konohagakure, He immediately rushed to catch me. Before I blacked out I felt something on my back, which I guess you probably know what. Damn it for loosing consciousness on very important events.

But the important thing is, I've seen Sasuke naked a whole lot of times and _**lived**_ to tell the tale. I could assure you that if you scrape off all his fangirl's moments with him and put them all together, I'd say that they're far down nothing compared to all my experiences with Sasuke.

It's just 2 more days till we meet back at the compound. So far, it's beginning to be very rewarding.

I could only enjoy this comfort with Sasuke until we reach the restaurant and all hell breaks loose.

†**-o0o-†**

I'm terribly sorry for the long update, guys. I've been very busy at school. Next week they're going to make us roll on the Comfort Room's floor (which, as you might've guessed, is disgusting). Other than that, they're going to physically hit us.

Poor me.

Anyway if you have suggestions or something, please do tell me. If you have flames and insults, damn you to the deepest parts of hell. Just kidding.

Next chapter (I hope it's going to be right), Naruto and his friends enjoy a little time at the restaurant. Possible seriousness, possible hints of worry, more angst and more humor. Oh, and Naruto would have an epiphany of some sort.

Keep reading and reviewing!


	5. Chapter 5

**Merry Christmas**

**By Sai Hikawa**

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

Summary: see chapter 1

Warning: see chapter 1

I apologize for the long delay!! XD I'm very, very sorry!

Anyway, I was busy trying to cope up with my studies, since, you know, I was hospitalized.

Anyway, here's chapter 5.

†**-o0o-†**

When I said 'all hell breaks loose', I meant it. It just sucks to know that fate decides to prove me wrong. Now, the phrase 'all hell breaks loose' is the understatement of the century. Those four simple words cannot possibly describe the colossal distress that is being unleashed as of this moment.

On this very moment, mother hell is being unleashed. She is now going to grace us with her damn-full presence. Her overly-decorated, totally eye-destroying pink outfit does increase the chance of anyone who is foolish enough to meet her to be rendered cursed. I swear this takes every damn living curse to shame.

"How nice of you to join us _finally_." The sweetness of those words is immeasurable. By 'immeasurable' I mean 'there is nothing to measure'. That's the Queen of the **Damned**, for you.

I inwardly snort, while Sasuke obviously and blatantly scowls. I swear his passion for hatred for this pink menace burns brighter than a thousand suns. Too bad, though, mine burns brighter than a million.

We didn't reply, obviously avoiding the next problems. Anyway, we wouldn't be able to speak since we're already cut off. "Anyway, find a seat _then_ we could all finally eat." You must've skipped breakfast for this... I pity you, not.

I hurriedly tried to find two vacant seats (that just proves how possessive I am). Sadly, there is none. To be not obvious, I ran to that seat (while inwardly crying) and looked at Sasuke with a winner's grin (with an 'I miss you' look inside). He casually walks to me and stops in front of me. My breath hitches...

"Dobe, move."

I scowl (but claiming joy inside) at him, but move anyway.

How fortunate of us to be blessed with such friends? I mean, there was only one seat available and they managed to find a room for me and Sasuke? How convenient that is?

With the seating arrangement now complete, I am very tempted to seduce Sasuke right now, but with the all-so-convenient presence of my friends, I cannot do so. No one must've touched Sasuke's 'No girl's land' ever, well, except for me. Yeah, that was a pretty good experience. Well, actually that was the multiplier of my wet dreams. While I'm waiting for Kiba to finish drooling and choosing, I'll go and share you that experience of mine.

At one time when we were on a mission, Sasuke and I were sharing a room together. That night I prepared my prank for him, since he tripped me on the way there. The next morning He walked out the bathroom with his hair pinker than life. He strangled me, while my hands are doing the 'up and down' motion. I could tell he wasn't that serious, but would definitely send me to the hospital, and I'm seriously loosing my sanity there. I mean, Sasuke in pink? Anyone? Anyway, while my hands were moving up and down, guess where it hit it? Yeah, it hit it, hard. While I am satisfied knowing how well-blessed my Sex God is, I hurriedly checked if he was alright (this is the topmost priority. I cannot let Sasuke be impotent. But most of all, I cannot let Sasuke die a virgin, let alone me), but he scowls at me. I just smiled sheepishly. I apologized on the way out.

On that note, I'm very delighted to know that Sasuke's more blessed by a little in that department than me, not that mine is cursed. I'll let you know that it's a big guy, too! Maybe a little smaller than Sasuke...

Speaking of Sasuke, he's just looking at me with his calm face. Then his face twists into annoyance.

"Usuratonkachi, your turn."

"Huh?" Seriously, what is he talking about? Ahh, the menu. I whispered to Sasuke, "_I'll wait for Chouji to finish ordering before I choose._" He contemplates for a while, then agreeing with me. There's really no point in choosing when Chouji scares the restaurant off.

Ahh, here's our waiter. Looks neat, probably new here. He slowly approaches our group, then picks up a notebook and a pen. "What would you be having, sir?"

Everyone looked at Chouji. "Hmm..." He says. The waiter gulped. Oh, man, you are **so** going down.

"I've made my decision." Chouji says like it's the most important decision of the century. The waiter nods nervously. "One of everything on the menu."

"One of e-everything?" The waiter parrots poorly.

"Yes. I'll order seconds later." He says.

And so, the seemingly-new waiter runs off, sweating. I swear if my food is damped by your sweat, I'm going to rasengan this restaurant to kingdom come.

When Chouji was unable to scare off the restaurant, I made my choice, then Sasuke. I gave our order, then waited for some while. The waiter then came back with our food. He was sweating hard.

Eww. Whatever you're serving me it better not contain your sweat. Disgusting.

"Chouji," Ino spoke, "you're going to put this restaurant out of commission!"

Chouji replied, "No. I'm giving them great profit at the cost of their supplies." What was what? That was a smart-ass comeback coming from Chouji. Hell, I didn't know he's capable of those.

After the waiters (yeah, the last one fainted after putting Chouji's 8th dish on his first order. Eventually they had all the waiters deliver the food to our own table) have finally finished putting the orders on the table (I do not know how they managed to do that). We ate silently, until we managed to finish our first plate (yeah, and Chouji's 15th plate). Ino got his salad, and as you might've guessed, the peace and silence broke like low quality glass sold on some alley.

"Is this **thousand island** dressing?!" I do not know what her problem is. Sasuke was about to shut her up, but Shikamaru beat him to it. "Just eat it… mendokuse." Ino puffed, but sat down and quiet down anyway, which resumes our silence...

...that is, until Chouji was about to order seconds.

"I'm sorry, sir," The waiter said nervously. Damn, I would really be nervous if I were in his shoes. Chouji without seconds is like putting yourself in Prometheus's shoes. "but we have no more stock left."

This is going to get ugly.

"I did say I am going to order seconds later." Chouji said depressingly, though I know he's going to rip that guy off if he doesn't have his seconds. Yeah, pretty much mature. Unlike me, I whine all day without my daily dose of Sasuke. What a role model I am.

"Chouji," Shikamaru called, releasing us all from trance. Ah, that was only me in trance. I told you Sasuke is such a stimulating factor for my erotic territory. "Stop scaring the staff." Chouji looks at Shikamaru for a while, before dismissing the issue and sitting down.

We waited for others to finish eating, since, well, some of us ordered a few meals (few meals being only one or two dishes then dessert). After a couple of minutes later (like half an hour), the others finally finishes their food. We then, for the restaurant's sake, left the place. I swear I heard the manager (I assumed he was, since he was the oldest-looking guy among them all) muttered a 'thank god' or something. I pity them, though.

Now that we were out of the restaurant, we were supposed to go at the local carnival or something. Now that I brought this up, I would like to ask everyone how the hell did Konoha have a carnival or something? Aren't we like, um, I don't know, like, a hidden village, and the carnival is like, I don't know, a public place? Note the term 'public'. Well, whatever. I don't really give a damn.

What I would really give a damn about is the way Sakura is chasing Sasuke. I swear that girl can put the Dahaka in shame. Sakura chasing Sasuke is far more dangerous and uninteresting compared to Dahaka chasing the Prince of Persia. On the other hand, I chasing Sasuke does not need much effort.

Do you grasp what I mean? No? Well, in simpler terms, I chasing Sasuke is far more interesting and far less annoying than Sakura chasing Sasuke. I would also like to point out that Sasuke is much more annoyed when it is Sakura chasing him compared to me. I, on the other hand, do not ogle (openly) at Sasuke, but does tolerate my moronic behaviours. As if Sasuke's obvious scowls are any indication.

And I thought after growing up for, like, two or some years, I would expect her to be more 'mature' and forget this silly crush of hers. Oh no, my case is entirely different from her, mind you. Sasuke **was** the center of her world, only that her world's reaching oblivion. Compared to me, Sasuke **is** my world. My entire life revolves on what little time I could manage to scrape off together with my team mate. The world knows that, though. I mean, with the show and everything. Hey, I managed to get through some insane amount of episodes showing my undying devotion to Sasuke, by merely showing how I prepare myself and do some actual chasing every now and then. Compared to Sakura, she did no chasing at all, except when I am actually doing a chase scene. Although the frequency of her chasing Sasuke compared with I chasing Sasuke is like comparing an ant to a mountain.

Although I remember promising her when I was hospitalized, I didn't actually plan on telling her. Damn, even if she's a big nuisance, she's still competition. Even if I did not tell her, I would still chase Sasuke. I mean, I am not going to stray away from **my** team mate/friend/best friend/crush/walking wet dream/sex-god.

Right now, Sakura finally releases her attention from Sasuke, just like when some leech attaches you and starts sucking blood through your skin and you decided to be sadistic and burn it with a lighter. Yeah, it's a disgusting sight, since the leech would drool something sticky and disgusting. This is also disgusting, but does not contain any drool or something... just pure disgust.

Anyway, the group stopped. I do not know why, but I look around anyway. Okay, so there are some trees, some benches... some annoying kids every now and then, oh, and a fountain... so that must mean...

"...Park. We're just hanging out... I guess." Kiba says to me. Well, it's not like I was so lost in dreaming about Sasuke... okay, so maybe I am, but that doesn't mean that I am that oblivious to my surroundings!

_What about the time when you smashed on the tree?_ Kyuubi asked. _"He called me by name. It's a rarity."_

_Well, what about the time you almost got hit by a running mob?_

"_That was when Sasuke was looking sexy as hell."_

_And what about the time when you almost cracked your air-full skull open when you decided to faint?_

"_I did not decide to faint! Sasuke was as bare as the world when I was about to enter and the images kept on coming and coming to me!"_

_...drooling. You're drooling._

"You hungry again?" Kiba asked. I shook my head. "You were drooling..." He points out. I glare at him. He, fortunately, shuts up. Hurray.

Anyway, here we are now, at Konoha park. I didn't actually know this place existed, though. Actually, I don't really care. What I care about now is that, Sasuke is here, sitting beside me **alone** on the bench, while the others are away from us. The convenience of the situation tempts me to strike a conversation and then ravish him till kingdom come. Common sense tells me that I have to reserve the horniness later, since he'll kick my ass.

I'll go with common sense. It's less painful.

"Dobe, you fine?" No, I am not fine. I'm still a virgin and you're not helping. On that note, I'm still not happy since I'm left without you for Christmas. "Yeah." I answered simply. I hope he doesn't notice...

"You're lying." As perceptive as ever. Sigh. If we're going to be together I hope you'll know when I'm horny and when I'm not. And if you're that perceptive, then why don't you recognize my feelings for you?

Oh, right. I forgot. I act like I don't love you. Cruel fate.

"Really, I'm fine." He looks at me disapprovingly. "I don't believe you."

"I'm just tired," and depressed, "I haven't had much sleep lately." It's because I've been dreaming of you. Not to mention I'm tried from cleaning not only my boxers and shorts, but also my bed sheets every morning.

"Hn." And that ends our conversation. Sasuke does know how to end a conversation, doesn't he?

At this point in time I am really feeling bad. Not only am I really tired, but from what I ate (something I cannot pronounce) earlier, my stomach is definitely upset. Yeah, it's probably angry about me stuffing things down there like it's some kind of trash bin. I hold dearly to my stomach. Sasuke notices this, and stands in front of me. He looks down on me, "You sick, dobe?" And it's the understatement of the century. I am sooo not feeling okay. My stomach is revolting against me...

... which decides that now is the good time to back fire... by forcing everything up!

"Oh Shit!"

"Did he just..."

"OMG!"

Yes, people, I would like to erase my existence as of this moment, since I just puked all hell right on Sasuke's foot.

Seriously... how could this week be any worse?

†**-o0o-†**

Yeah... I'm back. Well, as I have promised, I made the chapter right after I got out of the hospital. It took me a week to continue this since I was forced to resume my studies. Yeah, and it drained me tremendously.

Anyway, please do review. Your words are what keeps me motivated (of course, with my crush's presence, but that's beside the point).

Please R&R.


	6. Chapter 6

**Merry Christmas**

**By Sai Hikawa**

Disclaimer: See chapter 1. That, and if Naruto was alive, he'd so be mine.

Summary: See chapter 1

Warning: strong language, really obvious perversion… Did I mention strong language?

I am very, very sorry for the very, very long update. My life was in total horror… and it's too long to explain. The gist of it is that I got busy with so many things and I had little free time, and it's my rest time.

The first part is Sasuke's POV. The next part is Naruto's. They're separated by this: **†****-o0o-†**

**Please don't forget to review!**

Anyway, let's go to my promised chapter!

†**-o0o-†**

"Isn't this fun, Sasuke-kun?"

Yeah, right. My fun-meter's cracking like crazy.

"Together… all alone… with no one else but us… walking…"

Is she really the most intelligent girl in our class?

"I feel cold…" You are so retarded. You're wearing more stuff than I am. Still she clutches tighter, making me feel her boobs wrapped around my right arm. POLICE! Sexual Harassment going on! And as if things couldn't get better…

"Awww, how cute~! What a beautiful couple…" An old lady passing by noted. Don't worry, I'll note you too… in my Death Note. And as if Pink Panther haven't got my message, she smiles brightly and proudly thanks the old lady.

Blah. Makes me wanna puke.

Speaking of puking, those shoes still smell like one. But what concerns me is Naruto. Hell, it's not like some friend would start puking all of the sudden; especially when it was only him that puked (Chouji was horrified that he might also puke. Stupid him, thinking it might be the food… wait, it might be!). And we didn't eat anything before that.

The boots? Off to the cleaners. They said it needs thorough cleaning and asked me to come back the next week… but I'm very sure that it won't be back. I recall seeing a fan girl there. Oh well, it's not like I can't afford one.

"I know how much you hate us getting separated…" Are you crazy, woman? I rejoice at the very moment my personal space is 'Sakura-free' "…but I'm going to buy a present now, mmkay?" And that wink indicates that I'm going to need the flamethrower ready by Christmas.

Deciding it's high time to find a decent place to hide before pink panther comes back, I immediately ran to the male's restroom.

Just to let you know, there's no place that is safe from danger… and the male's restroom is no exception. You'd think they teach good manners in school… unfortunately not. I wish this was Russia… the females are much more reserved. And it is all possible thanks to Ninjutsu – Can transform girls to guys and vice versa.

Alas, those fifteen minutes of solitary peace is now long gone… and here comes holocaust. Is it possible for one to smell danger? You know, like when someone can tell it's going to be the end of the world or something? But for the moment, I fear my sanity and virginity. Time and fate became so cruel… sigh.

For someone so obsessed with me she became such a brute… and with all that strength she still looks like a fine young lady… note the word 'looks' because **DAMN** I'll kill myself if in this lifetime that bitch would end up with me in bed (or in any place for that matter). She's a brute in disguise, and she's disgustingly obsessed with me…

…at least she's better than others. Other girls would scream "Please rape me!" or "Impregnate me!" or the likes. The worst I heard was "Copulate with me!" Honestly… Their parents should be ashamed.

Oh wait, they are.

Poor parents… they unconsciously raised Uchiha-sluts… not that I blame them. We Uchihas are paragons… not that I'm lifting my own bench. I mean, come on! I'm handsome (I'm sure we have established this since episode 1), Itachi's handsome (as much as I hate to admit it), my dad's somewhat handsome (at least my mother says so…), and my mom's an angel (even with two brats she still looks sooo good… and no, I don't have a mom fetish). Madara's probably the only exception. He's so ugly he hides his face with an even uglier mask that covers everything on his face except his right eye. And it's not even attractive.

Back to the matter at hand. Yes, I can practically hear the demons shouting for joy…

"Sasuke… are you there?" Oh wait, it's their long-lost queen, Sakura. I'm tempted to say 'no', but that's idiotic… which I'm not.

After a few minutes, she shouts again "Sasuke! Answer me," Is that a trick question? "Are you there?" She remained silent for a while. Looks like she gave up.

False alarm. The bitch called a cop.

"Can you please check if my boyfriend is in there?" What the fuck? When did you establish that? "Sure missy." Poor guy, he fell for her devil charms. Immediately, I pulled the cop from a safe distance. "Shhh… I'm the one that girl's looking for, but she's being delusional about me being her boyfriend." The cop nods. "And tell the bitch that I'm not here… it was some guy shitting for some time now."

"And this is supposed to convince me how?"

"Because, for your information, you are talking to Sasuke Uchiha. And that pink menace who asked you to check if I'm here isn't my girlfriend. She's one of the fiends that are after my dick." The cop made an 'oh' sound. "Now, be a good cop and tell her off." And while he's doing that, I'm going out of here.

The cop went back to Sakura "Sorry miss, your boyfriend's not there. There was a guy though…" Duh… it's a male's restroom "…and he said he was there for a few hours 'evacuating his resources'." I'll give this guy an award for creatively labeling the term 'shitting'. "Thanks… I'll just go look elsewhere." And she left.

Landmark, people! Earth is now saved for the moment, and I'll be a free man in just a few minutes.

Yesh! Fresh air at last. As much as I enjoyed my solitary peace inside, the place isn't welcoming. Plus, sitting on the bowl for fifteen minutes is not a good thing… especially if it's a public restroom.

…

Gah! The sun! The light! It buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurns!

Just kidding. I'm not a vampire. That's Itachi.

"Yo, Uchiha!" And the undead from some place away came to town for a local visit on a christmas-themed supermarket. What are the odds of meeting someone you don't want to meet? I may be a genius but that is way above my calculations, especially since computation is cut short by mere milliseconds.

One of the three stooges come close. Honestly, don't they **ever** realize that I've barely talked with them? They don't classify as friends, much less **acquaintances**. Who am I talking about? The three Suna bitches.

"Ain't this grand? This is the first time I've seen snow." Kankurou mentioned. Can't blame him, though. Summer 24/7, Harsh sandy wind, guaranteed sunburn after 10 minutes of sun exposure – such tragedy. To think I wanted to give them a holiday trip to a **sandy** beach. I'm such a cruel person.

Look at Gaara! He's intimidated by mere snow! At least, that's what I can decipher on his face. Come on! He has no brows (which I know is physically impossible since it always appears before we are even born). Now I can say with certainty that Gaara is corrupting their village's funds for hair removal products, specifically for the eyebrows.

To deal with these losers, you best ignore them. It's pointless to waste energy just to level with them. Better yet, I'd grab myself something to eat and ignore the rest of the world.

Probably, I'd shop for shoes, too.

†**-o0o-†**

Hello! Miss me? I miss normality, and the simplicity of my old life. What am I talking about?

Yesterday, Naruto Uzumaki unceremoniously died of shame yesterday. Yes, the very same Naruto that inconspicuously worships Sasuke in all erotic things possible. How can he, a mere love-struck, sexually-frustrated mortal bestow such horrifying body fluid on a Sex God's shoes?

Such horror. Makes me wanna puke.

Oh yeah, did that already. Yesterday on Sasuke's shoes… Damn.

That wasn't in my agenda. Seriously. After eating, we'd go to the park… and they he'll pull me to the woods and we'll have red hot monkey sex till morning. Yeah, too farfetched. Maybe until they find us, or we could just do it inside the CRs.

Damn. Every time I don't want to think about it, everything just goes back to him and that incident. How can I resume my life? Huhuhu… How can I go on living without fear of his sexy self putting that incident on my face? How can I, without shame, adore his sexy body, his handsome face, his creamy skin, his big th…

…I really ought to stop thinking much. And my south end really needs attention. Preferably from Sasuke.

Damn it! Sasuke again. But I can't help it! He's damn to hot to ignore! I just wish he ignores his bastard self and plunges himself to my realm, where he and I can be one 24/7, as long as he's dominating me, we'll be fine. HA!

Desperate issues calls for desperate measures. And in my case, I'm very desperate. If I don't get him soon, I'll release Kyuubi and let him do his thing…

_And I'll be sure to leave before you let him ravage you._

"_Right. Because you refuse to be dominated."_

Such a generous demon fox. But back to the matter at hand. Later, I'm going to ask for the advice of the relationship experts…

…And I can tell it would be such a _**looooooooong**_ discussion. Hopefully, yesterday's display of embarrassment won't happen later.

†**-o0o-†**

There you have it, another chapter done. I apologize for the shortness, I need inspiration.

Please don't forget to review! I need inspirations, suggestions and such :D


End file.
